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:x: A beAuTiFuL mIsTaKe :x:
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[30 Mar 2006|09:02pm] |
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There's morals to every story in life, unfortunately those morals don't usually come into play until the story repeats itself time and time again. My only hope is to start realizing these morals before it's too late to save myself. I'm in an endless downfall, the possibility of making anything worth it anymore is the definition of impossible. Sacrifices and efforts seem pointless. Life has become that nagging annoying voice in the background that makes your skin crawl. I'd much rather take a bullet or lose all my senses, that way I wouldn't have the knowledge or the sorrow that I do now. My one wish is to become invisible to everything and everyone...mostly myself.
I resign from life.
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[18 Jul 2005|04:41pm] |
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It's amazing how fast time can pass you by. For starters, I'm officially a graduate of St.Bernards High School and it is the weirdest thing knowing full well I never have to return and in almost a month I'll be starting college. Beach week came and went, it was a good time for the most part. There was a huge fight before the last day, people decorated some walls with holes, a mirror was shattered and a door or two broken, but hey it was still a good week. I probably started some shit with that fight that I shouldn't have...but then I think about it again and I realize no I was right in speaking my mind. And for the those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about inquire within because I'm far too lazy to type all of it out. After beach week Ricky and I went to Florida for a week. It was the most memorable and spectacular vacation I've ever been on. I wouldn't have spent it any other way. Disney WOrld was a alot different than I remembered, but it was definately awesome. Universal definately took the cake though, many thrill rides and TONS of pictures. It was such a drag to come back home, in a way it was nice because I missed just being in a familiar place until I realized that palm trees and huge hotel rooms are way better than Leominster.
Moving on, summer hasn't really been much of a summer besides the intense heat and humidity, which is multiplied by 10,000 because the air compressor in my car decided it didn't want to work anymore. I've found a solution to this though...yup thats right I'm finally getting rid of Lupe and getting a new car. I'm so stoked. work every day and if I'm lucky I get a day off about every 2 weeks, it could be worse though at least I'm making money. I haven't been home in about a month, I feel bad because I know my mom misses me and I miss her, but with my father being around she understands why I lack any desire to be at home. Instead I sleep at Ricky's every night and it is bliss because well he's the best.
And well thats enough updating for right now, I'm sure I'll write in here again sometime. Peace the fuck out motherfuckers!
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[27 May 2005|11:59pm] |
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Senior year has come to a close, in just under a week I'll be walking across a stage to recieve my diploma and it all seems so strange. I can remember starting high school thinking how I couldn't wait to leave and now I find myself thinking of all the ways I could have done it differently if I could just go back. I think its hardly realized during the process of high school how much one person can drastically change. It truly is the time of your life. The time you experience everything for yourself and come to be your own person ( for most people anyway). It's so awe striking to think it's over, now it's time to start making it on my own, it's all up to me.
This past week finally made me realize how much I truly miss my old school. Although I hated it at the time, I never really appreciated the fact that most of us grew up together and I could name every face in the hall whether they be a friend or not. I could recollect having spoken to everyone at some point or another and I never felt out of place. I'm sure no one ever notices that I'm not around nor would any care if I were to go back. It just makes me lonely thinking I could have stayed with those familiar faces and made bonds with people I never dreamed of. It's so strange seeing pictures from people's livejournals of people that have such a tight link to one another when I just remember it completely differently. I guess I just wish that high school had played out differently. I used to want a change more than anything, I used to loath Oakmont and how secluded everything felt. Now I find myself wishing I hadn't walked away, as stupid as it may sound. But then again maybe it turned out for the best, I probably would have never met Ricky if I hadn't gone to St. Bernards and I wouldn't have the greatest love of my life.
I wish all the seniors at Oakmont the best of luck. Congratulations class of 2005.
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| Even the best fall down sometimes...even the wrong words seem to rhyme... |
[24 Apr 2005|12:46pm] |
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I wish I could find a genie in a bottle who could grant me three wishes. Fucking fairy tales just don't cut it anymore, I just want reality to be somewhat bearable for a day.
I don't care if i sound like a whining baby that won't go to sleep, I'm desperate for something to go right...just this once. I just want to be happy. Sometimes I don't even know what that word means.
Ya, I'm pathetic.
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[19 Feb 2005|05:17pm] |
Even when you're screaming at the top of your lungs...the silence consumes everyone who should be listening or at least who you thought would. Just as soon as you open you're mouth, the conversation has ended.
Nothings ever wrong, but nothing's ever right...such a fine contradiction.
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[15 Feb 2005|12:03am] |
Another moment when you held the glass and forgot it needed support. These days I'm feeding off the little reminents you've left behind, maybe one day the next won't be so bad and we can try to pick up the pieces again. Too many chemicals racing through the lines of my life and my signals are starting to send misfires. This is my heartache, this is my emptiness...and yes my dear this is my suicide.
I think the most tragic part is...that I know it's self-inflicted, I don't even try to keep my chin up.
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| Niggaz never open they mouth cuz they know my kind |
[06 Feb 2005|12:43am] |
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And then there's these moments when I'm bombarded with the darker side of reality and theres no means of escape. I question why I put in so much effort sometimes...I question why I even care. There's no motivation anymore just the aspirations for another let down. I remember the way I used to be and I hate it...but I look at the way I am now and I hate that too. Help me find this happy medium I so desperately desire, because if I don't find it soon I think my insides might fall out. Every minute I lay awake I ask why? Rewards for anyone who come up with even a bullshit answer that gives me something that can keep me surfaced. I'm struggling, too hard. I used to be able to swim, now I can barely dog paddle.
Fuck it, I'm handing in my two weeks notice to life.
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[31 Jan 2005|10:50pm] |
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It's been a while since I've even taken the time to stare at computer screen for more than five minutes. Anyways, I've entered the age of adulthood and well it wasn't all i thought it was going to be. The day was its usual let down and leading up the eventful part of the evening wasn't too promising either. Towards the end though I got tipsy and perked up a bit. I'm a coors light girl till the end. I'm not going to lie though, changing from a child to an adult overnight is crazy.
Sometimes I wish it were easier to explain how much he means to me. You're the socks on my feet.
I'm so fucking sick right now this is ridiculous. I feel like an 18 wheeler just slammed into my head.
p.s. "Tina you fat lard, come get your dinner"
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| So glad you're with me for this ride. |
[02 Jan 2005|09:16pm] |
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changen.- the act, process, or result of altering or modifying
The framework which composes my life seems to be falling apart in certain areas which I once depended on more than others. Theres no rhyme or reason as to why things are they way they are...they just are. It's lame to see that things can become so strange in the blink of an eye. I hate knowing that when I was little relying on imaginary friends rather than living a social life was the way to live. Now that I supposedly live "the fast life" I want nothing more than to crawl back into my childhood and live in a dream world. Whoever deamed "the fast life" as the good life, obviously never lived. Someone just please explain to me where living became a joke to everyone because thats how it appears to me. There are no explanations, there are no goals...just a road to no where. Maybe if things worked like a white erase board then I could erase the jumble that stands before me and write something new.
The volume button on your phone is stuck, for once just turn up the volume and listen.
(3 months and it all seems like it started yesterday. It's like those dreams you wake up from and you find yourself pinching your skin to make sure you're not still dreaming.)
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| They may say I'm a dreamer... |
[29 Dec 2004|10:56am] |
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So I worked every single day last week, it was a fucking nightmare. Between people in a rush for last minute christmas gifts and cranky holiday attitudes, I wanted to blow up CVS. At least it's done and over with.
I spent Christmas Eve and Day with Ricky's family, it was a nice change. It's different to see how an actual family interacts...whereas mine keeps a comfortable distance and all interactions to a minimum. I especially loved being with him all day, he keeps a smile on my face. I love that boy.
Anyway...Friday is going to be crazy. I don't know where, why, or how...but it's going to be nuts I'm telling you. Even if I have to party in a dumpster IT WILL HAPPEN. Jenn and I are getting sloppy drunk, it will be a good time.
Until next year....
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[26 Dec 2004|12:28pm] |
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Sure there are things that were better than usual...but I still despise the holidays. Oh well, fuck it.
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| Wonderful. End. |
[16 Dec 2004|10:10pm] |
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Dance tomorrow evening...that snuck up on me quick. Finally got my dress today, it's pretty so hopefully I'll look pretty in it. I'm really anxious about it thought, I'm always like that when it comes to formals...ya so what it's vain, but honestly who doesn't want to look good? Especially for him, I saw him all dressed up tonight and he looked amazing. As long as I look good to him, my night will be complete.
mi amor. <33333
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[07 Dec 2004|10:54pm] |
The days pass and the clouds grow. Something I realized today when I heard the news...is that it never gets easier. No matter how many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years that go by, a memory is still engraved by those who make an impact.
The days pass and the clouds grow. The tally marks add up with every season that changes and another piece of what once was drifts into the night. Everytime i hear those words uttered one last time, I cringe and beg to run away. There's no running away because it will just be the same.
Today was just another reminder of how much I need to hold on to every second.
R.I.P Casey Bernhard
The battle wasn't lost.
12/7/04
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[04 Dec 2004|12:00am] |
Sometimes my mind drifts too far out to sea. It will soak up the water, swim for as long as it can and hope for a sign of rescue. Finally, it just sinks. I haven't sank yet, but needless to say it's drifting. I'm not happy with myself. I'm happy with everything around me...just not myself. Everyday I take another glimpse in the mirror and I can't help, but wish I could just break it into millions of pieces. I find myself dwindling on minute details that are so far from worthy that it sickens me to my stomach. And all I can conclude from this...is nothing.
"I'm so far gone now...I've been running on empty."
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| I never thought I'd find someone to be mine...lord knows I was wrong. |
[28 Nov 2004|11:08pm] |
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Wisdom teeth are stupid. I apologize in advance for anyone and everyone who has them removed. God damn barbarians chewing with unnecessary teeth and screwing future generations over.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. I spent the day with Ricky's family and despite my strong resemblance to a chipmunk, I felt welcomed. Normally, I'm not the type to get involved with family due to the fact mine is well nothing like a family, but I did for once. I think it's safe to say I was actually content with the way my day went because it was better than I could have hoped.
I've been thinking alot lately about how quickly life seems to be passing me by. I remember just yesterday I was getting ready to start senior year and now we're basically half way there. There's subtle changes throughout the days I notice and I'm almost astounded as to how fast I'm growing up. I used to take for granted being young and naive, but now that the days are dwindling in numbers I find myself holding my breath. When I used to watch Peter Pan I never used to understand why he'd say he didn't want to grow up, it used to be a common belief that grown ups did all the cool things...but I'm slowly getting the picture.
Then again I remember what I have and I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm genuinely happy and I can't help smiling to myself ... even if I'm middle of a conversation I find myself in a daze reminding myself how luck I am. These are the days...
ps.
The other night when I looked in your eyes I knew that I was in love with you.
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| Cuz I ain't got not legs or no brains. |
[21 Nov 2004|08:53pm] |
I wouldn't change a thing. Now if I can get all my college applications all set and acceptance letters, then my life will be complete.
<3
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| We keep it spunky! |
[17 Nov 2004|10:48pm] |
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Normally I'm not the type of person to get into a holiday cheer, especially for something like Thanksgiving. Yes, I know it's not thats its not an important holiday, it's just that when you come from a family such as mine...you tend to disregard the true meaning of such a day. So this year I'm taking a completely different route, hell lately I'm doing everything different and for once I've got a irreplacable smile on my face.
This year I'm thankful (and yes I mean it, I'm thankful) for two things in my life, which are Jenn and Ricky.
Jennifer Lynn Tefft- You have been by my side through thick and thin. It didn't matter how pessimistic I may have been, you were always right behind me to push me back up. Friends come and go, as you and I have both seen with people who will remain nameless, but you are the only person I've known to stick around for more than anyone should be expected to. Don't ever forget what a beautiful person you are inside and out (it's cliche, but it"s the truth.) and I mean that full heartedly, you just need to find it within yourself to see the same thing I do.
Richard Russel Dominic Turner- First of all, haha I love that name. Anyway, on a more serious note...we haven't been together all that long, but this past month and a half has quite possibly been the most unbelievable time of my life. There has not been a single day that we've fought, nor has there ever been a day you haven't left a smile on my face. You are truely an amazing guy and I'm so incredibly lucky to have someone like you in my life. Every day that goes by I wake up and I have to remind myself it's not just a dream, it's reality. Finally I can say, that it really only does get better and I want you to know that you mean everything to me. <3
Woo go me, holiday spirit!
This could be the start of something.......
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| When ever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I'm home again. |
[14 Nov 2004|08:04pm] |
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The days that seem colder than any you remember. The days when the softest touch on your skin makes chills crawl up your spine. The days when inconsistencies out-weigh anything stable. The days when simple words become tangled in knots on the tip of your tounge. The days when you're heart is beating so fast and spinning in every direction. These have been my days...
I yearn for the nights when we laughed and danced for the video camera rocking out to metal. I want to curl up next to you even though I know its bed time just so you'll read me a story. Better yet, let's forget the past and recognize that I'm here now seventeen, and begging for you to notice that I'm waiting for a simple acknowledgment minus the anger.
Most of all, I wish that I could say something but everytime I try to say it outloud I find myself choking back in fear.
at least I have you.
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| Bitch, I ain't scared. |
[12 Nov 2004|11:47am] |
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The past couple of days I've been cohabitating with Ricky. Although the reason for which I'm here is because of a gayass named Bob, I'm not minding it in the least because I get to fall asleep and wake up with a smile on my face.
Hopefully Ricky doesn't realize that his girlfriend is a complete loser...
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| Fuck that. |
[05 Nov 2004|11:35pm] |
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Through a grey mist you saw a shadow,
with a single kiss you gave it life.
A burning desire,
burst a flame upon this decayed flint.
And the curtains drew back.
A sudden revival from the once unseen.
My myth is now our reality.
<3
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